more than a heartbreak

we both have slightly different memories of that day. i remember her in a blue sweat suit with white tennis shoes, she remembers me in jeans and a red white and blue striped polo. in the entire classroom, stadium seats filled with friends, groups and couples, we were the only two sitting alone. our junior class had pretty much already split itself off into clicks. i was a loner, no big deal. i didnt mind sitting alone in a crowd, in fact, i welcomed it. however, the embarrassment i felt when the teacher singled me out by name to walk to another class that’s time slot overlapped the current one, now that was memorable. everyone in the room turned to look at me as i picked up my belongings and walked down the stairs to the door. in my embarrassment, i didnt realized that another name was called. the girl in the blue velor pants with matching sweater was sharing in my embarrassment and together, we walked to algebra 2. i dont remember who talked first or even if we talked at all that first day, but every day at the same time, we’d trek across campus together.

we’ve come a really, really long way since then. i realize we’re not that old but seriously, if you sit us both down and ask us to walk through our friendship, you’d be banging your head against your wall and begging for an intermission. we’ve been through a lot and come a long way together. for me, friendships have been difficult. i could speculate until i die but it’s just the way my life has been and i’ve learned to cope and adjust. i dont have a tremendous number of friends and there are even fewer that really know me. and not just a part or a version of me. for whatever reason, the Lord has woven a common theme throughout my friendships. He draws me closer to Him as i pray and beg for a close friend, someone to know me and understand me and walk with me through life. during that time of waiting, my relationship with Him has always grown and strengthened. then He answers with the most beautiful friendship. and then, over a course of time, He takes it away. it took awhile for me to stop becoming angry with Him for the pain of it, for the feeling of being let down, being disappointed and alone. it definitely took a lot of growing to see it as something more than a heartbreak.

today is the day that she and her family leaves. i’ve been avoiding it. i havent really allowed myself a moment to process it or figure out how i feel…i’ve truly just avoided it, shoved all thoughts deep into the back of my mind to be dealt with at a later date. yes, i’m aware this is potentially unhealthy but for me, it’s how i’m coping with it all right now. we’ve only talked about it once because neither of us felt strong enough to really discuss it and walk each other through it. i know that i’m not losing her…we stopped being best friends a long time ago. best friend just wasnt strong enough. sisters became the more complete descriptive term. we’ve become sisters over the years and no matter how far the other may go, that will never change.

today she moves. today six hours seems like half of the country away.today i look at her little girl, my god-child and wonder if she’s going to remember me when i see her again.  i havent coped, i havent processed. but what i keep reminding myself, what i know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that this is again, so much more than a heartbreak.

dwell in possibility…