More Than Food

My decision to write this blog came nearly three months ago and since then, I’ve been fighting my keyboard…I didn’t want to share. Even Andrew wasn’t sure if it was something to broadcast and even if I did decide to share, I didn’t know how to share….For a time, I wasn’t sure if it was worth putting out in the open but over time, it began to consume me and in my trying to hold it at bay, it became the only thing I could think about. Every time I sat at the computer to blog, it was what spilled itself onto the keys. When I would spend time alone in my journal and it would fill the pages. Finally I accepted that for some reason, a reason I don’t really know, God has placed this on my heart to share. It’s terrifying…it’s embarrassing but I feel this need to share how Christ carries me, how He teaches hard difficult things and how gracious, tender and compassionate He is in it all.

“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin and yet I say to you that eve Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, o you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, “what shall we eat” or “what shall we drink?” or “what shall we wear?” for after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about it’s own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:24-34

Do not worry about what you will eat or drink or about your body or what you will put on…for all these things the Gentiles seek…is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? O you of little faith….seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness….O YOU OF LITTLE FAITH. The words fell like a hammer on my heart. For a moment, I wasn’t really sure if I was breathing. The fact that I was in the room with my lifegroup faded away and I felt like I was completely alone with a spotlight being shone on my insecurity. Despite my ability to excuse it with labeling it various other names, suddenly not only did I see the label insecurity it became something more…something worse…a lack of trust in the One I claim to trust wholeheartedly.

I’ve always struggled with my body. My confidence and self image always were hand in hand and while I projected a strong person, it took next to nothing for me to crumble into feeling ashamed of my body, to feel like I should be thinner, more in shape, have clearer skin or less frizzy hair or more flattering clothing. It seemed to come in waves that all hinged on my scheduling capabilities and my self control; I would meal prep my usual healthy food options, plan the occasional splurge, indulge in wine and a cupcake here and there, schedule my six days a week at the gym and all was right with the world. If I felt like my clothes should look better on me or that my thighs should wobble less, I would just hit the gym harder, tighten up my diet a little. Then the wave would come down. But when the wave came down, I would begin to feel as if what I was doing wasn’t enough – I should have seen better results by now right? Maybe I shouldn’t have had that cupcake or skipped that extra 15 minutes of cardio and was that glass of wine really necessary? Then the wave would go back up.  All the up and down, I have become exhausted by the constant struggle of balancing the scales.

I’ve been asking myself that for quite some time now  why in the world should I hit ‘publish’ on this entry. I know this is something many many young girls, young women, older women, females in general struggle with and sadly, I don’t have the answer to how to stop the struggle. Believe me, I wish I did, I wish I could tie up this blog post in a pretty self help bow but that’s not how God seems to work. But here’s what I know.

• I know my God is a sovereign, mighty, compassionate, loving God.
• I know that He calls me to lay everything down before Him.
• I know that He has called me to a life of faith and a life of trust.
• I know that I fail on a daily basis to have faith and to trust.
• I’m called to not worry about my body, and yet I worry.
• I’m called to be different from the world and not to be consumed by what I eat or drink or wear  but yet I’m no different than the rest of the world wanting that perfect pair of jeans and watching their peppermint mocha intake so that they don’t look fat over the holidays.
• I’m called to seek FIRST my Jesus Christ, His kingdom, His plan for my life and instead I’m prioritizing my life with me first and God second.

For so long I used this as my rational: it is my responsibility to take care of the body God has given me. Sounds harmless right? Well, yes, that’s true, but I think I’ve missed something…something important. “…your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God and you are not your own…” 1 Corinthians 6:19 That important thing that I missed is two little prepositions. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit from God. And then there’s that last mind numbing statement: I am not my own. My temple is not my own.

So now what? Honestly, I don’t know yet but all I know is that there’s a loving, jealous God who wants me, my attention and devotion and trust and I’ve been clutching it to my chest unknowingly keeping it from Him. So, I suppose the ‘now what’ is that I learn how to unclench my fists.