one of my personal goals for this year was to allow myself the time to read again. growing up, reading was just about all that i did. my mom said that sending me to my room was slighting counterproductive in the discipline department because i would happily lock myself away in the there for hours reading. the libraries near where i lived, i had bled them dry reading every nancy drew and the occasional hardy boy they had stacked up on their shelves. the librarian would chuckle at me when i appeared with my library card and stack of anywhere from three to five books at a time. “sweetie, you’re going to take awhile reading all of these.” she would say. my mom would stand knowingly behind me, silent. those books would be read by the end of the week if not sooner. i inhaled books. i still inhale books.

when i grew old enough to start buying my own books, my mom would insist that due to my reading speed, it would be far more practical to continue checking them out from the library. but just like belle in beauty and the beast, i have a book problem. if i could have the library beast gives her in the castle, i’d be in heaven…you know, so long as there was a starbucks barista built in.

crazy love, overhwelmed by a relentless God by francis chan: this book was as hard to read as salt water is to gargle with. it’s challenging. it’s not just challenging, it’s crazy challenging. it punches you in the gut and then lovingly gives you a hug…you know, if this book was a person. the profile of the obsessed found in chapter eight was the hardest. it makes me want to love my Redeemer more. it makes me want to be more willing, more trusting, it makes me want more of Him. buy it, borrow it, check it out at the library, but read it. read it and go crazy.

xenocide by orson scott card: dont judge me, i love science fiction books. i love science fiction movies. i love the science fiction channel on tv. this book is book three in the ender series {yes, i realize i sound like a huge geek, and yes, i claim huge geekdom} for me, there comes a risk with reading series books. i tend to get hooked. with this particular series, there’s two different perspectives for the same story, so it’s really two series in one series. confusing? try reading them. i’ve read three- there are five left {okay so really six cause supposedly there’s another coming out in february…again, geekdom!} and then, it’s on to the hunger games, hopefully before the movie comes out. like i said, i get hooked.

dwell in possibility…

it’s the little things that make up my days. it’s the little things i remember, the little things i love, and the little things that drive me up the wall. the good, the bad, and the in between. as i mentioned before, the things we love posts became dry and overdone. i did them too often. but i didnt want to loose the little things that i love from day to day. i didnt want to over share and force myself to find something i love every week if maybe it was a week in which i was dull and boring and more negative than positive. it’s hard to force positivity all the time, especially when so much of life is also contingent on the negative. negatives push us. they affirm the positives and they quite often show us the condition of our hearts. while negativity, does make up bits of life, i just couldnt bring myself to post on and on about a negative.

insert light bulb here.

which leads to “the little things”. it’s a new series i’m introducing to the blog so get excited! or not, you know, you can not be excited too if you wish, but i’m excited and it’s not fun being left out, so get excited with me. the good, the bad, and the in between! something currently good, something currently bad, and something currently undecided.

the good: luna bars. i’m addicted. the lemon zest and the chocolate peppermint stick are the only two i’m not allergic to and frankly, i’ve had two a day for the last week or so. breakfast? yes please. afternoon snack with coffee? why certainly!

the bad: taxes. i’m sorry, i dont care how well you prepare throughout the year, tax season rolls around and suddenly your inbox and mailbox blowup with important documents. what if i throw one away by accident! what if i miss something major and end up in jail for the rest of my life. i would not do well in jail! i quote disney movies which is so not hard core and doesnt belong in jail! tax season, i wish i never had to see you again. i wish you just would go take up permanent residence on a deserted island somewhere with a little fruity umbrella drink to keep you company. far, far from me.

the in between: five hour energy. i’m not one for energy drinks. coffee is about the extent of it. and it used to be gatorade when i was in middle school and high school and played sports. i used to drink it after working out until my trainer informed me of how bad it actually can be for you if not used properly. so i went with water and called it a day. recently, when on our trip to colorado with andrew and my brother in law, they bought me a five hour energy. we were tired, we were hangry {you know, that hungry that is so hungry you become angry?}, and frankly, i think my brother in law just wanted to see me hyper. i never drank it. in fact, it’s still sitting here in the drawer of my desk. i want to drink it, really i do! it’s taunting me like that little bottle in alice and wonderland labeled “drink me”. so since i’m terrified {one, that it will taste horrible and two that i’ll pretty much light up light a christmas tree and rocket into the ceiling} i’m taking suggestions. to drink, or not to drink, that is the question!

dwell in possibility…

i love creating lists. goals, post its, highlighters, pens, notebooks, calendars…let’s just say office depot is my happy place. but once january 1 rolls around, suddenly those lists, goals, post its, highlighters, pens, notebooks and calendars terrify me. suddenly, coming up with what’s next for the year makes me want to run and hide. the fear of failure will usually incapacitate me for a time until finally, i pick up the pen, the notebook and set aside a highlighter, stack of post its and the calendar, and face my fear.

i’m always afraid my dreams are too big. i’m always afraid i’ll give into my laziness and my fear of failing will become a reality. but i’m also afraid that one day, i might lose my passion due to complacency. i want something great. i want something big. so here’s what next.

• find balance in my work life and personal life
• do work that makes me happy
• shoot 12 weddings
• complete the challenge
• begin the 2013 re-branding process
• complete all notebooks and ideas from jasmine star and lara casey workshops
• better utilize two bright lights
• shoot at least two themed shoots
• incorporate my clients story into their engagement shoot, stop shooting cookie cutter engagement shoots that any couple could be dropped into. if that means costs go up in order to do shoots like that, so be it…it’s where i want to be and what i want to be shooting
• install a new blogging schedule that removes the “blogging for bloggings sake” element
• purchase a second 50mm 1.2 for andrew, or an 85mm 1.2 and a second 70-200, new alien bees lighting, and kelly moore bag
• attend a jasmine star workshop or speaking engagement
• create a bucket list of things i want to shoot and then make steps to shoot them
• streamline my post processing and the blogging process
• improve my vendor relationships
• breathe some life back into my client experience. update things, keep it fresh and personal.

photography goals, personal goals, their all done. i have lists. i have a plan. i’m ready to throw it out the window should God’s plans for this year be completely unexpected or out of this world crazy different. it happens and i’m ready. but here we go, 2012…bring it on.

dwell in possibility…

there’s something terrifying about wide open spaces. while they’re beautiful and breathtaking, they expose things. in their vast emptiness, they expose all that is around them. the word itself is cringe worthy: expose. but i’m learning that through exposure, things come to the surface that can bring about some intense growth in much needed areas of life. it’s terrifying and sometimes painful, but it’s also beautiful and breathtaking.

in the minutes before kristin and chris arrived for their engagement shoot, the vast emptiness of the wide open spaces i chose to shoot in overwhelmed me. i felt small. i felt insignificant. i walked for a bit praying that these areas of growth i’ve been experiencing would be a little less terrifying and a little less painful. it’s hard to be exposed. it’s hard to see all your flaws and failures out there in the open. it’s hard to see past them to the things that have been accomplished and to keep in mind all the great and incredible beautiful things there as well.

as the shoot came to a close, i found myself thankful for the wide open, for the empty spaces. it’s challenging, it’s terrifying, but it kick starts growth. as i watched kristin and chris in the midst of such wide open spaces, their love, their friendship, and their warmth towards each other soothed me as i shot. there they were, two people completely in love and about to commit the rest of their lives to one another and there i was, feeling exposed in the wide open space. and yet, that exposure – those feelings of fear – they were all worth it. 100% worth it.

dwell in possibility…

……………………today our blog is silent………………….

the sounds and smells of the lawn mower always reminds me of him. the mixture of gasoline and freshly cut grass instantly pulls me back to the crush i had on him in high school. you see, my parents used to hire him to take care of our lawn. he drowned out the sound of the mower with his headphones and i watched through my window as his back glistened with sweat under the summer heat as he worked. and as he worked, i would wait for him to come near the numerous windows in my cantaloupe orange room with the sheer curtains and i would pace. i wanted to look like i was accidentally walking passed the window to catch his eye. i wanted to look completely unaware of his presence and have it be a happy accident when i smiled back at him. so there i would wait, cleaning my room, organizing my closet, reading a book in my chair under the window…

i married that guy. i married the guy that took care of my parents lawn. the guy that i would watch as he was completely unaware. the guy that i would try to find reasons to talk to. the guy that always reminded me of the smell of freshly cut grass, gasoline, the heat of the summer, and the sound of the lawn mower. i married him.

today as i drove to the store with my windows down, i happened across a lawn company going about their work. as i came to a stop at the light, i smiled at a worker as he dropped a yellow pansy into the small hole he had just dug. the smell of the grass, gasoline, dirt and sweat drifted into my windows along with a few bits of grass and dust. today i was reminded of just how lucky i am to have him. today i was reminded of that guy i married and how much i love him.

dwell in possibility…

i love watching garland play. we have about four different blue racket balls around our house. actually, there’s a very good chance that we actually have far more than that, but garland likes to get them stuck under the couch just out of our reach. aside from “accidentally” rolling them under the couch, one of garlands favorite things to do with her balls is to jump onto the couch and gently nudge the ball slowly towards the end of the couch cushion. just as the ball begins to roll off the edge, she’ll pounce onto it, catching it in her mouth just before it tumbles to the floor. oh sure, sometimes she’s slow and she’ll stare at the ball there on the ground as if it’s broken some silent agreement they had about the terms of play time.

usually i’ll join in, tossing the ball into various areas of the house as she tries to outrun it or beat the ball or catch it in her mouth as it bounces. but sometimes, sometimes i just like to watch her occupy herself. at times i wonder if she likes to make things difficult for herself…but then again, if things werent difficult, what sort of accomplishment would it be.

today has been difficult. today i wanted to give up. today i wanted things to be easy. but then i heard the little pitter patter of garland running into the office, her ball in her mouth, her eyes twinkling. and then i remembered, if things arent difficult, what sort of accomplishment would it be?

dwell in possibility…

i didnt pay attention too much in my business courses in college. i remember sitting behind a girl with long brown hair and a leather wristband in a short jean skirt and wishing i were anywhere but sitting five rows up in a lecture hall listening to things i’d never use. “i’m never going to run a business”

at times, i wish i could go back to that 19 year old version of myself and slap her silly.

according to some business models, there are plans for growth in certain years…building years, revising years, a year to make it or break it, etc. but like i said, i didnt pay too much attention so i’m sure i have those years all mixed up. 2011 was our third year in business as olimb photography. it was the year we finally felt settled. we’d paid off everything for the business, i let go a bit of control over every tiny aspect of the business, i learned to live my life as a person and not strictly as a photographer, i began to learn how to turn off the “how can i blog about this” mentality and just enjoy my life, i accepted that to name your fears it to overcome them and i watched my first lunar eclipse. in 2011 we launched a new blog and website that really reflected us, we finally felt like things were in place and we had a system for things and we were comfortable. but towards the end of the year, as we rounded out the last of our weddings and looked towards 2012, i realized that i dont want to be comfortable….being comfortable breeds complacency and complacency kills creativity. and yes, i totally just made that up…but it sounds legit doesnt it?

at the end of 2010 i said that there was a lot of change coming. and in 2011 there was. we started the year off with change and hoped to solidify our business with those changes. so, in 2011 here’s what worked and what didnt

• incorporate a new filing system. for the most part, our new filing system worked perfectly. minus a few errors on my part that were just due to laziness, i still love the way our filing system functions.
• complete the office redesign. my office redesign was one of my highest priorities for the year, however lame that sounds. i spend the majority of my days in this office. for the most part, i stare at a screen and i sit in the same position and drink the same coffee and get distracted by the same things. finally, i completed the office. i bought my dream desk and my made my husband put it all together while i watched {dont judge, i like his muscles}.
• implement a blogging schedule. this was the biggest chunk of my year. i wanted to really stick to this. i wanted to blog more, i wanted to write more. so i did. i made a point to blog at least four days out of the work week. every thursday, minus a few occasions, i blogged about something that we loved, our favorite things if you will. i didnt blog on the weekends, except for christmas, and i made a point to post my weddings in a timely manner after the wedding was complete. it worked. it made me write more, i blogged, i felt like i was growing. that is, until i realized that i was writing for writing’s sake at times. which all in all, is fine. but my writing began to lose a bit of heart because i was tired. i was out. i ran out of words to write. my biggest “what didnt” in this category was the things we love thursdays. it was too much. i shouldnt have posted every thursday because it became more of a something i like rather than something that i love. one of my biggest pet peeves is using the word love to loosely and by posting every thursday out of requirement, i used the word too loosely.
• launch new blog and website. february 16 2011 we launched our new site. it was the first step towards making our business really reflect who we are. we worked with rachael earl and spilled milk designs through show it and after much preparation, we went live. our site is such a reflection of us but i was horrible about updating it. to this day, i still havent updated things. even as i type that i’m hanging my head in shame. our work develops, who we are grows, whats in our heart changes, and with show it, it’s so easy to make those changes and yet here we are almost a year later and our site is still the same. it’s time to update.
• submit a minimum of 5 weddings. the first wedding i submitted to an online blog was accepted. it boosted my confidence and i submitted a second. it was denied by the first site i submitted to and accepted by the second but has yet to be published. another wedding was submitted against my knowledge and while i’m thankful for the submission and the publication in the magazine, i began to feel discouraged. i let that discouragement take hold of me and prevent me from submitting any other weddings out of fear. so, i submitted only three. i cant let that fear keep me from using the awesome resource that is two bright lights. i have to submit my weddings. it’s the only thing that is going to keep me growing and push me to get my work out there.
• book 20 weddings for 2011. as i wrote this goal originally, i was terrified. it seemed too great a goal. it seemed like i would fail. and i did. in a way. andrew and i didnt shoot 20 weddings this year, but in shooting our amazing 13 weddings this year, we realized that 20 would have been far too many. 20 would have drained us. 20 would have prevented us from giving our all to each and every one of our brides. so, this also helped form our 2012 goals as our failure proved to be what was needed to learn our limitations for ourselves.
• shoot three creatively themed shoots. early on in the year, i made a list. i wanted to shoot a summer themed shoot with watermelons and oranges and water balloons. i wanted it to be full of life and color…but i didnt know how to get there. so i scaled back a bit for my first themed shoot. i decided to try it in a different way. the result wasnt quite what i hoped so i took notes and changed some things on my list. the other two themed shoots were going to be a fall themed and the other a camp out. neither of these shoots came to fruition but the list remains.
• shoot less and get more. this goal has been one of the best things for our shooting style. before i felt as if i was behind the camera trying to keep up – quickly change the settings, quickly catch that shot, quickly get the best angle…but at every shoot, every opportunity to put someone in front of the camera, i slowed. i made sure that the shot in front of me was the shot i wanted. i got ahead of my shots instead of trailing along behind. and bonus! it made the editing process much faster.
• purchase a 35mm and a macro. done and done!
• make our materials match our brand. also done!
• build better relationships with vendors. this is still a work in progress. naturally, i’m not a person that put myself out there, i’d much rather write emails than return phone calls and i’d rather return phone calls than meet someone in person. naturally, that’s who i am, a wall flower, a loner, someone content to sit and watch others from afar. but as a photographer, i have to change that part of me and its not easy. but i want that to change, i want to make those i work with feel special.
• keep tax information up to date and filed. initially, this was difficult work but once i was walked through everything, and after a few conversations with an accountant and someone from the florida department of revenue, i felt i had a handle on it. in december, i wrote my {hopefully} last check for 2011 taxes. we’ll see how i did and if i’ll be singing from the rooftops or drowning away my sorrows with some triple espresso gelato.
• get more creative with posing. this was incredibly difficult for me. it’s a constant struggle not to default to poses that i know, poses that naturally, i myself do with my husband whenever we’re in front of the camera. but despite the difficulty, and though not at every shoot, i felt like andrew and i pushed ourselves a little here and there to find some diversity in our portfolio. while we’re still learning to read the love languages of our clients and how the hold one another’s hand, or lean against each other or even how comfortable they are kissing on camera, we still naturally gravitate to certain posing that just makes us swoon. but we’re learning and growing.
• inspiration boards. part of my office redesign was my inspiration boards. and sadly, what i had up, did not work. instead of inspiring me, they made me feel like a failure, as if i wasnt accomplishing what i wanted. the reason they didnt inspire was because of me…i didnt really ask myself why i put those images up in the first place. i put them up cause they were pretty, but i didnt dig deeper than that. so about halfway through the year, as that realization took place, i took everything down. i slowly put up a few quotes and photos i love of andrew and me. it’s the beginning of 2012 and i’m still working on those boards. i’m only putting up things that i really want to do, or things that i want my business to enable me to do. it has to matter, it really has to inspire me.
• pay off our business credit card by december 1 2011. when i mailed our last check to our credit card company and realized every piece of photography equipment was paid off, i froze. while i’d like to say i jumped up and down and ate cake, i froze. shortly after coming to life again, i was overwhelmed with thankfulness that our Provider had blessed us with the means to pay off our purchases so soon. and then i jumped up and down, went out to dinner, and finally, ate cake.
• save to convert to mac. after receiving the quote from apple for all the things i’d love to covert over to with mac, i almost cried. it’s going to take some time to convert and part of me wonders still if it’s a smart business plan. so much of me wishes i could go back and begin again with mac just to save the trouble of the cost of conversion from hp to mac but for now, we’re still saving and probably will be for some time…at least until i can make a decision on whether or not being a mac girl is completely necessary.
• document our life. andrew is always wanting to take the camera or the flip with us where ever we go. i on the other hand, never really want to do that unless it’s something important. anything else, the day to day things, we have our iphones that are capable of taking photos. but this wasnt the goal. the goal was to be able to document more of our life together. while we didnt have all the professional photos of ourselves we wanted taken in 2011, we did come away with one incredible shoot with pure7studios, with photos of our families, with funny videos and photos of every day life. this will be a year to year goal because i dont ever want to forget our life together. i dont want to be this photographer that grows old only to realize that i dont have proof of my own life, that i cant share photos and relive memories of my own. one of the things i realized this year came from sitting and staring at my blog with absolutely nothing to say. so, i sat there for at least an hour and just started at the beginning and read. i went back to the start of our blog and as the time passed and i read further and further, i realized that our blog is also a precious resource in remembering and reliving our lives. yes, i want to document them on camera and with albums i can take down from a shelf when i’m old and grey and making cookies for my grand kids, but our blog…it’s a window to our past and i’m so thankful that it’s a way we can look back and remember where our lives have been and how far we’ve come.

the further and further into this list i got and the more reflections that i wrote, the more and more i again felt a sense of failure. but these were my goals, my aspirations. even in my failure, i’ve grown. and while it seems like laziness and fear won out against the majority of my goals, andrew and i still accomplished so much.

i could write on for days and days but reviewing the year is always incredibly exhausting and fulfilling all at the same time. so what’s next, where do we go from here? that’ll come in time, but for now, i’m going to remind myself that failure or not, i’m pressing forward.

dwell in possibility…

sometimes i find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there. one of the features of my blog is that i have the capability to see how many people view the blog, each post, where they came from, what country they’re in and how long they stayed on my site. originally i thought this was incredible. every week i would get an email letting me know where my rankings stood compared to last week or last month. but one day, it turned into something that tore against my self confidence, and i stopped reading it. it made me feel heavy…as if i thought i was flying until i read that email and suddenly realize i was grounded and my wings broken.

one day that email came in and as i hovered my wagtail cursor over it, i started asking myself questions like “what if no one read that post” “what if there’s barely anyone reading my blog” what if you’re irrelevant” “what if the online following you want isnt there”. instead of opening the email, i deleted it. and the next week, deleted. and the week after that, deleted. now those emails pretty much are guaranteed a ride to the recycle bin before they have a chance to acquaint themselves with any of the messages in my inbox.

often i struggle with my need to be affirmed. to hear that someone likes what i’ve done, or that they hear me, or that they like me. even admitting that out loud makes me cringe. that they like me? what am i, back in high school? but if i’m being honest, yes, i want to be liked. i want to be loved. i want to be relevant. i want to be wanted. and in keeping with the honesty, i want an online following. i want interaction. i want response.

as 2012 starts and this week i’ve been evaluating last year and making my goals for 2012, i’ve decided something. if i want to know whos out there, if i want interaction, if i want response, i have to create a conversation. many times within this blog i just talk. which i love, dont get me wrong, i can totally talk it up for a few hours. but i want to make people feel a part of my writing. i want them to feel that they can share, that they’re involved. however, in making my creating and evaluating of goals, i’ve always discovered a lot of fear that’s been keeping me from things. it’s fear i didnt realize was there in the first place but now that i see it, i see it in so many places it makes me ashamed of myself. why am i holding so much fear of not being liked in my photography business, of not being wanted? that fear has been holding back a lot of things in my business. and i’ve had enough of holding myself back.

so, next week, as i share my evaluations of what worked and what didnt from 2011 and whats next for 2012, i intend to challenge my fear – to feel it and do it anyway. you know, cause i’m stubborn and hard headed that way. and my wings arent broken, and i dont intend to be grounded.

dwell in possibility…

“…You know just how far i’ve come…” - ronnie freeman, only thing

january. a new year. it’s the time of year when the gyms are crowded and everyone’s talking about their goals, resolutions, plans, hopes, and dreams. last year around this time, i took the entirety of the month to create my goals as a person and a photographer. i walked away with two lists for 2011; a list of personal goals, and a list of photography goals. this year, as i look back at what 2011 held, what was accomplished, what wasnt and what i want to strive for in 2012, i’m struck by a sense of failure. failure…i hate the word. it seems so final. it’s like the pass fail system i so detest. looking at my goals from 2011, i cant get passed this overwhelming feeling of failure.

“…forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, i press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus…” philippians 3:13-14

“therefore my beloved and longed-for brethren, my joy and crown, so stand fast in the Lord…” philippians 4:1

failure. who am i to say exactly how far i’ve come? who am i to say that the things i count as failure arent part of a greater plan to grow me and teach me something? so yes, while i look back at 2011 and see so many things missed or not quite accomplished…or failed…i refuse to let it control me. because in reality, if i can see passed my perceived failures, 2011 was full and there were some great accomplishments. whoever it was that said to aim for the moon and even if you miss you’ll land among the stars wasnt so far off.

so, here’s to 2012 and making plans to accomplish great things, to reaching forward, to pressing towards your goals, to aiming for the moon, to giving yourself permission to fail, to believing, and to standing fast.

dwell in possibility…